It’s been a long time blog world. Nothing to exciting has happened, unless you count days of Netflix and crying. I move back to town this weekend and I’m scared shitless. I’m going to be so alone. At least here I can come inside and see the animals and my family. I don’t know how I’m going to handle that. I’ve been packing and getting things ready and the more I do the more real it becomes. I don’t know if I can do it but I don’t really think I have much choice. Living in a world you don’t want to be apart of anymore is hard, doing it alone is even harder. I’m scared I’ll get to overwhelmed and end it but then I think about it and I’m okay with that. I’m not living, I’m existing and what’s the point of that? I don’t help anyone, right now I can’t even help myself. I can’t kill myself because I can’t do that to those who love me but I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. 💔
Do you believe that people are either good or bad? Like the scale always tips on way? I don’t know what I believe anymore, about anything. I feel like I’m just here. I have no reason for anything. I go to appointments, spend time with friends, talk to my family, but what is the point? I feel nothing, all I think about is how much I regret not killing myself. it’s eating away at me everyday. All I do is cry, my sister asks me if i cried today when she sees me. I’m just having a really hard time and it just keeps getting worse, only bad things since that day. My best friends having a hard time with me being unhappy all the time and so negative and I think we aren’t friends anymore. But I understand it. I don’t want to lose her, this is hard enough, I feel more alone. Which I didn’t think was possible. But I can’t do anything about it because it will hurt everyone I know and I can’t do that. Even if that means living in a blank. Loving each day not feeling anything hoping that I’ll feel something tomorrow, next week or maybe next month. I know I’m throwing myself a pity party , but you know what why can’t I ? People have it worse off? I know that. But I’ve learned it’s not only about that. People feel things differently. I’m a fucking weak ass baby. I admit it. I can’t handle anything , it feeds into my mental health and my attitude towards things. I can’t handle things. I break easily. But I’m still here and I don’t want to be so for right now I’m going to feel sorry for myself, maybe it’s something I’ve always felt and will always feel. I know things aren’t fair. That doesn’t make it easier. Bad things happen I know that but they fucking hurt and my heart can’t handle much more hurt.
Everything is really weighing down on me right now. I can’t get out of my head if I had gone through with it and killed my self maybe he would still be alive. He’s someone the world needs. He brought happiness to so many people. His funeral is evidence of that. I’m sad all the time, it isn’t a if anymore it’s a when. I’m going to kill myself because I can’t live feeling like this forever. The when depends on everyone else. I mean unless I go into a state again and hurt myself. Although I don’t think I’ll fail next time, I know what I need to do to probably go through with it. But I don’t want to positive talk suicide. Being suicidal is horrible and I hope if you feel that way you can get help, help that actually works for you, not a 2 week vacation from your life and yourself in a way. I just can’t feel this way much longer and I don’t see it getting better, what else am I supposed to do?
Xoxo SuicidalGirl
The video went better then I thought it would. I didn’t cry, weirdly it felt like he was watching it with me. I laughed at some of the pictures and knew he would have too. Smoking more pot then I can afford right now. Whoever told you getting disability is easy I’ll let you know it’s not. Not only do I have to deal with all my fucked up mental health now I have to prove it to someone. Anyways just a rant. I was told by one of my friends I’m a whiner and I’ve also been told multiple times that I’m negative. Which I definitely agree but I don’t know how not to be. Change most definitely isn’t easy and what if I change and I still feel this way. It almost feels normal to think of killing myself daily, I mean it’s just there I don’t remember the day it started and I can be having a good day and it’s still there. But everyone thinks I’m better now and maybe I should go back to pretending maybe this time I’ll actually do it. But then that pain, that moment I found out I could never talk to my uncle again. The weight of that, the pain of that I couldn’t do it to anyone, let alone the people I love. So I sit in this limbo place, the place where I can’t win. But I do it for them. It doesn’t have no purpose and maybe that needs to be enough.
Xoxo SuicidalGirl
So tomorrow I’m supposed to get the video from my uncles funeral and I’m freaking it’s going to be so hard, my cousin from my stepdads side of the family is going to watch it with me. I notice my depression getting worse and it’s so frustrating noticing and feeling like I can do nothing. At least I got laundry done today. I didn’t do nothing.
Xoxo SuicidalGirl
So first post I guess, crazy to think I have so much going on right now and I don’t know how to handle any of it. I feel more alone then ever and my recovery from the psych ward seems like the furthest thing away from me. I just want to feel happy , to have a break from anger and sadness, and it just doesn’t seem to stop. People say you need bad to feel the good but how do you feel the good when the bad takes people away and seems to have the idea it’s the boss. Today has been a day of Netflix, curled up in a ball, crying and smoking pot. And I’m okay with that. That’s what I need today, because I can’t adult. I don’t think I’ve actually ever been an adult. That alone is a crazy thought but mix in my suicide attempt, my 2 week psych ward stay, my borderline personality disorder ( goes great with my anxiety and depression), my death of my uncle of whom I was extremely close with and now the fact that my dad wants to try to have a relationship. He apologized for how he’s been and not being in my life. So my brain is exploding. Between my family and appointments I’m exhausted, but I want to start working again soon, I just don’t think I can handle it yet. Well I feel better after smoking that dub and writing this, I’m going back to curl up in bed and watch Netflix, until tomorrow.
Xoxo SuicidalGirl