The video went better then I thought it would. I didn’t cry, weirdly it felt like he was watching it with me. I laughed at some of the pictures and knew he would have too. Smoking more pot then I can afford right now. Whoever told you getting disability is easy I’ll let you know it’s not. Not only do I have to deal with all my fucked up mental health now I have to prove it to someone. Anyways just a rant. I was told by one of my friends I’m a whiner and I’ve also been told multiple times that I’m negative. Which I definitely agree but I don’t know how not to be. Change most definitely isn’t easy and what if I change and I still feel this way. It almost feels normal to think of killing myself daily, I mean it’s just there I don’t remember the day it started and I can be having a good day and it’s still there. But everyone thinks I’m better now and maybe I should go back to pretending maybe this time I’ll actually do it. But then that pain, that moment I found out I could never talk to my uncle again. The weight of that, the pain of that I couldn’t do it to anyone, let alone the people I love. So I sit in this limbo place, the place where I can’t win. But I do it for them. It doesn’t have no purpose and maybe that needs to be enough.
Xoxo SuicidalGirl